This is about me. It is a story that has long needed to be told. In the process of the telling I will also be doing some healing. This story deals with my life from childhood to adulthood. If you are turned off by anything that has to do with a spiritual relationship with God I would ask you to continue reading anyway. You may find some nugget of truth or revelation that may help you on your journey.
It is my desire that through this written revelation other’s may find the courage to conquer what holds them down.
I have been a prisoner of my memories and the abuse for so many years that I am now dealing with depression induced dementia. It is a horrible state to be in. I had been in counseling in the past from 1983 to 1999. Due to the severity of the abuse, the only help I could get was in how to cope with just living day to day in the same area as one of the abusers. I had to learn how to live a normal life as I was in a cult and was not aware of day to day activities.
My abuse/conditioning began when I was a child. I think my earliest memory was that of a three to four year old. As my life progressed and my father allowed my mother to die from a suicide attempt due to his pride in not wanting any one to know how bad it was; I went from an abusive family life to an abusive cult.
I thought I was involved in a loving church. Until the preacher started turning God’s precious word against the women in the church. He was using the scripture to rape the women. He used the scripture to abuse the children. He was all about control and he was the one in control. He demanded complete obedience. He pervted the truths of the precious Word of God.
You may sit there and wonder how could any one be susceptible to something like this and not see it for what it is….My father had all ready conditioned me to never question authority. This preacher had me so isolated and so dependent on the church I didn’t know that I could get out from under and away from what they were doing to my daughter and myself.
I did manage to flaunt that authority and got a job working at a local Christian school. It was through the gentle ministering of this pastor’s wife that I was able to see that what this man had done to Christ. How he had taken the joy of my salvation and made me lesser than a servant. I found other believers who had joyous relationship with God and each other and not one that was depressing and oppressive.
I survived. The scars are deep. Mentally, physically and spiritually. Through all of that I was given a ministry. I was able to minister to other women who had been taken against their will down that path of abuse.
Do not judge me for what you may read. Instead, lift me up in prayer. Weep with me. Rejoice with me. But don’t judge me……This is my journey. I have learned that other’s have been down this path. Some have found peace, other’s are still searching. It is my wish that my story will bring glory to God and show that we don’t have to be held prisoner’s of our past.
Yes, I’ve got a blog where I do devotions. The first thing I asked God for was Spiritual healing and I had to relearn the Word. I memorized from the KJV and very often those verses trigger bad memories because it had been taught in error. An example: This ‘preacher’ did what he did and then used I John 1:9 to cleanse himself. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” When I asked, “How can you do this and still get up and preach?” That was His standard answer.
As you read, I will write what God places on my mind that particular day. The question I have found most healthy people have is “How, could you not know it was wrong.” Well, who would question God? God saw the desire of my heart that I wanted to “live for God with all my heart, with all my soul and with all my mind” and God delivered me.
