No, I don’t have a turtle.  However, I feel like one today.  I do need healing as well as so many who have been sexually abused.  The way to healing is slow and takes a great amount of effort on the part of the survivor.  Every time I type the word survivor – I believe the word has so much power in it.  Instead of calling myself a victim, which I was, I think now of a survivor.  In her book, On the Threshold of Hope, Diane Langberg uses the word survivor.  Thank you Diane for empowering us. 

In chapter 8 of this book, Diane explains some terminology for her readers.  She first talks about the damage that is done to the core of an individual who has been sexually abused.  How we need to be able to identify and understand the impact of this abuse.

I received counselling for many years, after leaving a cult type church.  Most of the counselling had to do with learning to step back into the real world.  From 1968 to 1982 were my BLACK OUT years.  My emotional, physical, mental and spiritual cores were damaged beyond belief.  I felt like I had no hope to a happy life.  My goal during those years were to see that my daughter grew up and graduated from high school.  After that I just didn’t care.  Those years were stolen from me. 

I was told I couldn’t leave.  Yes, several of them tried to stop me.  I did leave.  I survived.  Now, after dealing with all the topics except the sexual I am ready to move forward.  Since I have been reading Diane’s book, I first doubted the need.  I felt I had done wrong.  This so called ‘church’ told me I had sexual demons.  Yeah, right!  (Sarcastic)  He, the preacher, had the problem.

I cannot begin to tell you how angry I got when I found out that at least 12-15 other girls/women had come and gone before me.  No one, I understand, was treated like I was over such a long period of time.  When the associate pastor left the area, many years after I left, he told me he knew about the women but that preacher had cried and cried and was repentant.  They left this man in the church!  He should have been put out!!!!!!

I am going to quote Diane’s definition of sexual abuse:  “Sexual abuse occurs whenever a person-child or adult-is sexually exploited by an older or more powerful person for the satisfaction of the abuser’s needs.”

I have been silencing my voice.  “I felt like it had to be my fault”, “it wasn’t so bad”, “It could have been worse”  She writes “Abuse that occurred more frequently and is of longer duration is potentially more harmful.  The more closely related the abuser is to the victim and the wider the age difference, the greater the damage.”

For me, a pastor has a high calling from God and has the responsibility of taking care and nurturing his flock.  He conditioned me for his abuse from 1968 to 1976 by my learning “Obey them that have the rule over you.”  Submit yourselves to those who are over you.  etc.”   In 1976 I asked him to stop talking the way he was to me, to quit fondling me with his hands etc. and instead of listening to my “No!” he raped me in my own bedroom.  My daughter was playing at the time with a friend and they heard my crying. 

He took away my Christian virtue and honor.  He stripped my self esteem to pieces.  He continued from 1976 to 1982 having sex with me.  He would tell me ‘when is was in heat!’  He even, had sex with me in the church, and on Saturday night prayer meetings he would sit besides me and run his hands over my legs.  Yuck!  In 1982 God delivered me from his clutches.

In the story the rabbit and the hare.  The hare won, he was persistent and kept on going and that is what we need to do if we have been abused – move forward.  Be determined!  We are Survivors!  We Will Win!