Have you ever been exhausted and then somehow you find yourself getting pampered?  You get a bath, slip into comfortable pjs, ate a good supper and you slip in between fresh sheets that were just put on your bed, your house and yard work is done and you feel great.  You go to sleep with a peace and comfort of having accomplished goals and you sleep like a baby.

I have had an unrest in my soul as this blog will attest to.  I’ve been pretty direct when it comes to abuse-I absolutely cannot and will not tolerate it.  When someone abuses another person the abuser is a very confused, sick person emotionally, mentally and possibly physically.  But most of all they are sick spiritually.  Inside of each of us is an emptiness that only can be filled by God. 

The Psalmist put it like this “For God satisfies the longing soul and fills the hungry soul with goodness.”  I have had to struggle with getting over years and years of darkness and abuse.  I had forgiven those who had abused me, I had asked God to forgive me, but I couldn’t forgive myself for not seeing the abuse sooner and getting myself and child out of the situation.  My child is now and adult with two teenagers and I can see where she went the opposite direction and I know that her life choices are hers.  I thought for so long they were because of her childhood. 

I had friends who told me, she is an adult and she has made the choices and decisions about her children and her family as an adult.  It is sad because she wants little to do with myself and my husband because we are Christians and we make her uncomfortable to be around.  The thing is, I never say a word, so I guess she just knows how I must feel, or does she?  Does she know the love I have for her and how much I miss her.

God has given me a wonderful peace regarding my past failures, my future and current failures too.  He is in the forgiving business and he wants us to be happy and free from the guilt of sin.  Isn’t it just wonderful that God has prepared a place for us and one day we will go to be with Him, forever!

I’m so glad I gave my life to God and that He forgave me of my sins.  I’m so thankful that He has given me a new direction in my life.  Wonderful peace – what a great gift.

Sometimes I just have a difficult time understanding why our children and most of our grandchildren treat us.  We have been giving, kind and generous with them, not just financially but with our time.  Yet most of them forget we exist.  One of our daughter-in-laws and grandson will call and come by frequently, but not the others.  A friend said it is a ‘generation’ thing.

I can never imagine not giving our parents honor, respect and love.  We made the time to see them.  I could understand it if we had done something, but we haven’t.  Why haven’t the parents taught them?  Is this a ‘generation’ thing?

We do text our grandchildren, so we can at least keep in touch with them.  Do you have a similar problem?

I wonder – yes, why?  I have quite a few friends who love it when I call them, or we invite them over.  We all have a good time – enjoy the phone conversations too.  But why is it that they don’t call us?  When they said, “Why haven’t you called?”   I want and have said (at times) “Why don’t you call me sometimes.”  Now, I know that in the last year they might get a busy signal because we have taken off call waiting and answer call – and our answering machine isn’t working.  But, this has been going on for years. 

I remember one friend saying, Oh!  I called you and your cell phone too.   Then WHY isn’t that friend on caller ID on my cell phone?  Does anyone else have this problem – or is it just us?  I have a medical condition that has posed a problem the last 15 months and you would think they would really care.  It might limit what I can do now, but this has gone on for many years.

Then, I have an ex-daughter in law who gets upset because we don’t call her much.  She use to make arrangements for us to see our grandson and would bring him to see us.  For the last few years – she refuses.  We can take them to dinner (which we can’t afford anymore).  Our son doesn’t bring him either and this grandson gets less time with us than any of our grandchildren.

Life is funny.  We are very giving and caring people.  Well, I just wonder….does anyone have any suggestions?

I read an article by Charles Stanley, which you can read if you go to www.woundedlily@wordpress.com, which tells us about forgiveness.  I also inserted some scripture from Matthew where we all will give account – be responsible, for the words in which we speak.

At first when I read Charles Stanley’s article, I felt as though he was putting down the needs of those who utilize counselors or psychiatric care.  I too, have often wondered, why, since I have forgiven those who raped me, abused me, emotionally harmed me spiritually, I still suffer (at times) from post traumatic stress disorder?

I imagine that without first forgiving them, I cannot learn how to respond to situations that trigger emotions from the past.  I now know that damage has been done to individuals that they might not be aware of.  My daughter gave me an example recently:

When a family member was being aggressive and pushy, I told my daughter we were not responsible for her behavior, we were instead responsible for our response.  My daughter asked me this week, why didn’t I defend her against what this family member was saying (which wasn’t true). 

At first I thought I was right.  Then I thought….Whats Up with my response.  I realized that instead of addressing conflict, I choose to listen to it; instead of being assertive and saying “That is enough.”  I avoid conflict because of the horrendous abuse our family went through when I was at home.

Makes you think…..You might have forgiven someone, but you also need to learn to be as “wise as a serpent, and as harmless as a dove.”  I agree and disagree with using “we are responsible for our reaction” instead of defending ourselves.  I believe that in some situations, it is best to keep quiet and in others it is necessary to speak up.  What do you think?

You are withdrawn and you are uncertain “why?”  You don’t like close contact with others, “why?”  You find it difficult as an adult to have a healthy sex life, “why?”  You can not stand to read or watch audio where children have been molested, “why?”

You might also be asking “WHY?”  I am surprised how many women I know, have been sexually molested by a close family member – many from their grandfathers, fathers, brothers, uncles etc.  For years, women have kept things like this quiet and yet many of their decisions and thought patterns are affected by the abuse they have quietly suffered. 

I have friends who, are no longer young spring chickens, but rather parents of teenagers who are reliving the abuse they have kept choked down, hidden away for so long.  Women may not understand what is going on – why are they having a problem now after all the years it has been kept quiet? 

I want to encourage each of us as adults to be responsible and look for the signs that a child has been abused.  If you are living in such a situation, seek help.  I know of a shelter in our area where they help women and their children who find themselves in abusive situations. 

Years ago we did not have the support system that we have now.  Many groups help support shelters and counselors.  I recently met a woman, who has lost her 4 children because she was unable to care for them.  She was on drugs, alcohol and has lived on the streets since she was a very young teenager.  She went in and out of foster homes and was sexually and physically abused in these homes and she ran to the streets to live.  For years she has lived homeless.  Now she married a man who also has many problems and he abuses her.  She is use to it and she feels he doesn’t mean to do so, she must deserve it!

One of the ladies she has recently met has introduced her to this Shelter for help.  This woman has a chance to turn her life around for the better.  It will be up to her to make the choices.  However, once you learn her story you realize just how bad she has had it all her life.

For those women who are married to men who abuse their children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, you should speak up – if you are afraid, go find help.  Get help.  It is better for you to get the children out of an abusive situation.  One of my friends had been abused by her grandpa, while grandma was in the bed.  How horrific.  She had to know what was going on. 

What I would like to tell you each that God understands and wants to be your friend.  You might ask, “Why did God allow it to happen, if He really cares?”  God loves us and wants you to know that sin does reign and He desires for all people to come to know Him as their Lord and Savior.  We don’t have the whole picture, but God does.

May you find peace as you travel your journey of life.  

John 14:27 

 

 I give you peace, the kind of peace that only I can give. It isn’t like the peace that this world can give. So don’t be worried or afraid.   (Spoken by Jesus)

I had something happen to me this past weekend that really upset me.  Instead of not reacting, I reacted.   Sometimes I am nothing more than a doormat and I let people walk on me.  Well, I spoke up for myself instead.  The person I spoke to almost dropped their false teeth.  I felt bad, because what I said was in front of other people, but I had not planned it that way.  But someone was speaking to me from across the room and was actually using a very stern voice.

Tonight, my honey took me to our Christmas Eve service and then we went to Denny’s for supper.  We go to this Denny’s because it is about 10 minutes from our house, away from everything else.  It is located along an interstate but it is rural to the area.  One of the waitresses came out of the office of the manager and she had a very red face.  She went up to our waitress and told her that the ‘next time you yell at one of your customer’s-I’m telling on you!” 

The serving station was also behind us and as the waitresses got their drinks etc.  the one who was mad kept complaining.  Well, I came there to be served and pampered and waited on – as well as eat their good food.  I was just about getting annoyed when the waitress came in our direction.

“Miss,” I inquired, she said ‘yes.”  I said “Are you  having a difficult time tonight?”  She said, “Yes, I am.”  She smiled and I told her, “there, look at that pretty smile, that is why you need to be showing others tonight.”  She said “Thanks.”  We were ready to leave and we left our tip and headed for the door.

I was thinking of saying something to her like:  “Don’t you know we can hear you complaining?  We came to eat and not hear that mess.”  But instead:  I remembered just how important it is to help those who are hurting.  It is possible she yelled at an unreasonable customer-not that it is justified (according to customer service standpoint).  We don’t know, however, just what people are going through.  Maybe we would all do well, to remember to use kindness and spread it all around where ever we go.

Be ye kind one to another, love one another, just as Christ loved us. 

Have you ever had an experience like this?

If you know anyone who has suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – Be Patient With Him/Her.  I imagine many of our soldiers coming back from war will suffer from it.  I can relate.  I spent an hour with a Physciatrist Counselor today and I am so surprised how, after so many years, I can continue to have flashbacks and dreams which affect you emotionally.  It can effect your memory as well as many diseases which are made worse by the stress.

A person with PTSD may use different ways of coping with the stress.  In my situation, it was wrong for me “to tell anyone and I was made to believe I was wrong and bad.”  Can you imagine in a war situation taking someone’s life to defend freedom and their own life?  I am sure that they are trained as to the “why” but to see friends dying has to be so very rough.

During the Christmas Holiday Season they are away from family and their communities.  We need to pray for them and support them not just now, but especially when they come back.  Many have been injuried and while they have been gone they might have lost family or possessions etc.

I wanted to bring it to the attention of anyone reading my blog that they might have problems years later.  My PTSD manifested itself physically and emotionally.  I am thankful that no matter what has happened to us, no matter how bad it has been or currently is – there is a God who knows all and who cares. 

When I ask myself “How much longer?”  I remember that my life rests in His care.  However long it will be, I need to follow the path of healing.  God is the great Physician and it is to Him I lean on.

During this Holiday Season, when many of us celebrate Christmas, many are lonely and have no one.  Some have bad memories, perhaps a death of a loved one; an illness, a loss of a job; stress at shopping etc.  What do you do?  I know that I remember my  Mom during this season, she died a few weeks before Christmas when I was in the 4th grade.

I’m afraid I get pretty upset with grown children who do not have anything to do with their parents.  It seems to me that reconciliation can be made.  I had the worse Dad any one could possibly have as a child and teenager.  But as an adult, I honored my Dad – it helped that he had quit drinking years before.  I have family members who makes my heart ache.  My daughter and my sister – they break my heart.  My daughter has a right to be upset with my sister – for my sister got mad at her and told her off in a letter and told her she never wanted her to contact her again.  That has been years ago.  My sister justifies her actions and will not apologize and try to straighten up the mess.

But I have something amusing to tell you.  My sister had an unexpected expenses come up and she did not pay her rent and it has to be caught up by January 1st.  We had already helped her, and helped her, and helped her.  My daughter has for three months been dropping groceries off to her.  My daughter has someone call me and tell me she has bags on the front porch.  My daughter and her family are enjoying the giving – they have spent over $300 and they buy her good stuff that she needs to eat as she is a diabetic.

My sister is in such awe and was attributing it to someone else.  My daughter did not want that particular family get credit so she placed a bottle of beer in the last bag to throw her off that path.  I was on the phone and when she was going through the bags she gasped when she saw that.  It took all I had to not laugh.  My sister and I are non-drinkers and she knew this family was also.  It cracked me up – because she has eliminated every one she knows and has never thought of her niece.  My sister told me today that no one except for my husband and I have ever been so generous to her.

So sometimes there are heartaches that can take a turn for the better.  My daughter has not only given her groceries but has paid on her bill at the drug store.  I think it is great!

I hope if you have a heartache that you will take it to the Lord.  God cares and he will look out for those who loves Him.  Christmas is a wonderful time to celebrate Christ’s birth and soon it will be Easter when we celebrate Christ’s resurrection.  Such a sacrifice for us.  I’m glad I have put my trust in Christ – God’s son.  Go to church and find out more.

One of the dearest individuals close to me helped me start blogging.  I love to go to read other’s blogs and I have one who encourages me all the time.  This particular blog was set up for theraputic purposes but I no longer blog on it. 

I thank you for visiting in the past.  Some of you have my other blog address and I hope you will continue to read that blog.  Have a great day .

You can find me at:

www.woundedlily.wordpress.com

I have trigger points.  In fact, one is muscular and one is emotional.  Today they both hurt.  The company where I worked for twelve years is having their Christmas party in December.  My husband still works there part time.  I don’t want to go.  In fact, I definitely do not want to go.  I would love to go if my immediate boss was not going to be there, but she will be.  I am not going to put myself in a place of gawking and making suppositions like they did last year, it was too humiliating. 

I worked so hard on this job, and I mean hard.  I had to go to school to learn how to do my job as my boss did not know how to teach me.  It involved a lot of legal responsibility.  It was a good paying job and when she left me alone I loved my job.  Three years before I had to go out on medical, I told her I could no longer go up and down the stairs.  I worked as a property manager with 240 apartments and town homes. 

When I was hired it was with the understanding that I would manage.  However, once I gave her notice that I could not physically go up and down the stairs she began making my life more miserable.  At that point I had been with the company for 9 years.  The maintenance supervisor quit because she told him (almost at the same time) that he was no longer going to answer to anyone but to me.  Then I would take it to her.  I also would be supervising his schedule and his day.  He quit.  He blamed me. 

The owners told me to be assertive to her and not to take any thing from her.  Well, that was easy for them to say they didn’t even talk to her.  They talked to her husband who then would talk to her.  I had to work between the owners and the management company.  So, I did just that.  I became politely assertive and stood up for what was right.  Things went from bad to worse and I juggled my emotions all the time.  I had no problem with the owners, the residents or my employees.  But the management company always wanted me to do things unethical or illegal and at best very questionable – and I wouldn’t. 

I was always defending my position.  Then they started giving me such a hard time just like they had done my maintenance supervisor for years.  To make a long story short, I was taken out of work by my doctor as the stress was physically wrecking my body.

I did get disability from social security and I have no desire to put myself back under her eyes again.  The parties we had in the past were always stressful for the employees if they were going to be there.  The years they couldn’t make it, it went well.  I started a Christmas breakfast the last few days before our Christmas break and we would meet locally just with the owners.  I was paying for it.  But they ended up paying for it every year and now it is a tradition. 

Now, if they want me to to go that – I would gladly go.  However, they said only employees this year.  It seems like last year some of the new employees invited their spouses and they had a lot of people.  So, I called the office today. 

The new manager of the community is now the owner’s daughter and you can believe that the management company won’t give her a hard time.  She has even stated to the assistant manager (who tried to manage for the first year I was gone) that she couldn’t understand why we couldn’t get along with her.  She didn’t have any problems at all.  I guess not! 

So, I told the new manager, the owner’s daughter, that due to my health problems I didn’t think I could go.  So she wants my husband to go without me, which he won’t.  Somehow this contact triggered all I had been through those long 12 years.  The stress of remembering caused me to have a problem with my health issues such as dementia and cognitive problems rear their ugly heads today.  I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t  think, I was trying not to cry.

Once my husband got home and I stayed with him until I began blogging, I’ve been better.  I go see my psych doctor on Friday and maybe this is the break through they are looking for.  I’m finally feeling what I went through all those years.

So, when you have trigger points, recognize where they are coming from.  I’m going to confront them and hopefully then I will get to feel better.